A Gay Christmas ‘Poem’

DISCLAIMER: poem needs to be read with a very open mind. Surgically opened, maybe.

And remember: it’s Christmas, and Jesus was all about forgiveness. So you may as well forgive me in advance for this ‘poem’.

Mary and Jesus

Once upon a Christmas time,
I was in a club called ‘Heaven’, drinking wine,
I’d come with my friend Darren from work.
He was on the podium, doing a ‘twerk’,
Surrounded by all sorts of geezers,
While I was chatting to this Spanish guy… named Jesus.

His birthday was even the 25th of December! Crazy.

Anyway, we started dating after that night. Weird, huh. The details are hazy.

That Xmas-birthday we first spent
Together in his bedouin tent
(cos he was a total hippy btw – sandals, patchouli oil, lived all year round under canvas in a lay-by next to a Tesco Metro somewhere in Kent.)
Jesus told me he was gay,
And I was his beard.

At first I thought he was putting on a Scouse accent.
“You’re my beard! You’re my beard!”
“I’m your bird?”
“I’m gay, Mary. GAY.”

I gulped and softly spake: “Oy vey.”

And then I said, “Jesus, some might say that sexuality and gender are limiting in their definitions and you shouldn’t feel you have to adhere to simplistic, dogmatic social constructs and maybe you’re actually bi, look, please don’t leave me. I really love you. Please. Just please don’t leave me.”

And so he said “ok,
Have it your way,
Let’s get married but not consummate it. Yeah?”
I said “whatevs, I don’t care.”

So Reader, I said yes.
He wore a robe, I wore a dress.
I got Jesused, he got Mary-ied.
When we die we’re gonna get buried

So now I’m a born again virgin bride of Jesus, and this Xmas I’ll wear a beard and bounce Jesus on my knee.

It all worked out fine, see?

Together we’ll decorate a tree and deck every hall.
And so I wish: An LGBTQ Christmas to one and all!


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